Who's Your Monkey?
Q: Do you think your stress on the sidelines helps your child?
Q: Would you like to reduce your stress levels while watching your child play or participate in their sport?
When we feel tempted to overreact, put pressure on our athletes or think we can somehow control them, bad things happen. All of above mentioned reveals a need we have to learn how to regulate our own emotions in a healthier way.
You may be thinking to yourself, “I’ve tried to relax and contain my emotions on sidelines and it doesn’t work.” To you I would say, you need a monkey! A study was done with monkeys being exposed to stress. The shaking of their cage, the flashing of lights increased their anxiety (as measured by the amount of cortisol in their system). They tried many different scenarios to reduce the monkey’s stress levels. Nothing worked. Then they tried to put another monkey in the cage and remarkably, the stress levels of the monkeys plummeted fifty percent. That’s cut in half! Which brings us to Dr. Henry Cloud’s fantastic question: Who’s your monkey? Who are you talking to on the sidelines? Who are you sharing with? Who is there for you to put bumpers on the nervous moments and the stressful emotions?
Every single one of us need another person to be on the journey with us. For some, it might feel like a friend sitting comfortably having a warm cup of coffee or a delicious iced-tea. For others, it might feel like they need someone in the fox-hole with them because their heart and mind are doing battle. Regardless of where you are, here are three suggestions for finding a monkey to do life with on the sidelines of the Arena:
1. Pick someone outside of your family. Trying to lean, or over lean, on a family member usually doesn’t work out well. The information you will bring to a spouse, parent, or grandparent comes out toxic because of the dual relationship. If “papa bear,” or “mama bear” hears that you are frustrated and angry with junior, and they are afraid you might share your emotions with junior, who is going to lose that battle? Yep. Whoever or whomever you are going to for support, if they are related to your child, they may side with your child. The result? Two people triggered instead of just one (but that is a different blog entirely What to do when we’re both triggered). Choose wisely who to share your joys and sorrow with on the sidelines.
2. Pick someone who can bring empathy and understanding. Growth is nearly impossible if we don’t feel understood and accepted at our core. Empathy is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. For a friend to come alongside and communicate with their words and life, “I understand. You’re ok. Things are going to be ok,” is like a salve for the soul. We need to
3. Pick someone who is strong enough to ask challenging questions. “Why do you feel like it’s your job to motivate your child?” “Why do you feel like their success is your responsibility?” There are many reasons why club and travel sports have parents sign contracts that they won’t coach their child from the sideline. Part of the beauty of a child playing a sport is the opportunity they have to discover their own internal motivation. We parents, and yes, I include myself here, who want to be the driving, motivational force behind their young athletes are hindering them from life skills they need to develop.
And one more thing, don’t forget to “Be a monkey” to someone else! One of the beautiful mysteries about pursuing health is the more we help others, the healthier we get. If you want to set your young athlete up for success, both inside and outside of the Arena answer this question often and well – Who’s your monkey?